so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
