So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
