I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
