my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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