Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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