I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
