I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
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Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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