I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We are two peas in an std pod
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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