My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
