yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
