I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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