just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
