Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My legs feel like baby dolphins
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
