I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize