I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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