Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
