if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
