so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
