In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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