I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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