It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
