So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
