So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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