Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
