Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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