Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
