I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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