meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
