I need to stop coming to work sober
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
