New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
