Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
