I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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