Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
this boner is exhausting
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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