The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
