Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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