Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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