I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
