Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize