she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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