i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
