Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
