I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
