The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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