Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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