turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
