Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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