Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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