I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
