I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
