the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
