Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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