I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
