Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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