That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
