my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
