you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
